4 GREAT REASONS TO STOP SAYING SORRY
1. You have nothing to be sorry for.
Especially at work, women can find themselves apologizing for everything in an attempt to seem agreeable. Morning Joe co-anchor Mika Brzezinski wrote in a June 2015 article for MSNBC that she hears young female reporters constantly apologize for doing their jobs, saying “sorry” before approaching sources for questions or asking for comment.
“…when you begin a conversation with ‘I’m sorry,’ you immediately undermine yourself and alert the person that you are going to be asking for something they might not want to give,” she wrote.
Action item: Try to avoid sending emails that start with “Sorry,” or “Apologies.” If you’re just doing your job, leave it.
2. You mean “thank you.”
Which sounds nicer: “Sorry to ramble on,” or “thank you for listening to me”? Replacing “sorry” with “thank you” reframes the conversation and turns it around in a more positive way. Web comic artist Yao Xiao shows the difference this simple change can make in her work, here.
“Appreciate others for what they have already done,” she writes. “Don’t apologize for simply existing.”
Avoiding saying “sorry” keeps you from undermining yourself, and saying “thank you” shows appreciation for the other person, lifting them up while avoiding putting yourself down.
Action item: Next time someone invites you to do something and you decline, try saying “Thank you for inviting me!” rather than “Sorry, I can’t come.”
3. You’re not really sorry.
Writer Sloane Crosley brought up this point in her June 2015 op-ed in the New York Times: sometimes, a “sorry” is passive-aggressive or even just aggressive. Crosley said she finds that her “sorrys” don’t mean sorry at all, but are mostly expressions of the fact that something has gone horribly wrong.
“To me, [sorrys] sound like tiny acts of revolt, expressions of frustration or anger at having to ask for what should be automatic,” she wrote. “They are employed when a situation is so clearly not our fault that we think the apology will serve as a prompt for the person who should be apologizing.”
The problem is, using “sorry” in this way rarely leads to an apology by the other party. By all means, be polite, but be assertive. Crosley argues that women would be better served by clearly articulating their expectations and requirements, rather than apologizing for them.
Action item: Try “Could you please…?” instead of “Sorry,” in cases where a polite assertion would work better than an aggressive apology.
The problem is, using “sorry” in this way rarely leads to an apology by the other party. By all means, be polite, but be assertive. Crosley argues that women would be better served by clearly articulating their expectations and requirements, rather than apologizing for them.
Action item: Try “Could you please…?” instead of “Sorry,” in cases where a polite assertion would work better than an aggressive apology.
4. Saying “sorry” less makes it mean more.
If you’re saying sorry to everyone, all the time, what about when you really mean it? There’s always the chance it can get lost in the shuffle, or come off as insincere. Don’t be afraid to say sorry when you’ve done something wrong — if you’re eliminating unnecessary “sorry”s from your vocabulary, your message will come across even more strongly.
Action item: Don’t apologize for simply existing or doing your job, but if make a mistake that warrants an apology, say “sorry” early and with sincerity. Follow up with a constructive solution to prevent from it happening again.
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